And now the conclusion of Nate Ravitz’s novel, Code Name: Action Weasel. We have to admit, it may not be as spine-tingling as advertised. But as the saying goes, if you had an infinite number of weasels in front of an infinite number of typewriters, they’d eventually file a plagiarism lawsuit against the monkeys.
******************** Chapter 23: Hard Justice, Nate Style ********************
“It doesn’t look good, Señor.”
Nate Ravishing’s trusty sidekick, Enriqué, was right. It did not look good. His arch nemesis had his best girl captive, had them cornered, and was one step away from attaining world domination via his poisoned sports drink, Mildew Benny’s VitaWater Eau de Mildew Eau de Toilette de Mildew. “All I have to do is press this button,” Benny explained, “and my loyal henchman Pod Vidor will start the global marketing campaign! Bwa-ha-ha!”
Nate smirked knowing all the things that Mildew Benny didn’t know. Benny had no idea that Nate had already dispatched of the morbidly obese disturbingly skinny Pod Vidor using an industrial thresher (see chapter 21), nor that Ravishing had cleverly rewired the button to deliver a powerful yet non-lethal shock. Neither did Mildew know that Nate had already alerted the authorities, chiefly so that he wouldn’t have to drag Benny’s body to the police station afterward. But mostly Benny didn’t know sports. Heck, everything Nate knew about sports that Benny didn’t know would fill a board or something. Several boards, actually.
“Go ahead and push that button,” Nate dared, “though I think you may be ‘shocked’ at what you find! Vis-à-vis the button and all. And the pushing.”
“Okay, I will!” Benny pushed the button, and his beefy face immediately froze as the 1200 watts joules ergs electrical units coursed through his system, causing all four or five of his hairs to stand on end. Dumbfounded, he fell to the ground.
“Let that be a lesson to you,” Nate said.
“I’m with you there, Nate,” Benny confessed.
Lulu LaLane, now free of Mildew’s clutches, rushed over to Nate. “Gosh, Nate, I was wondering why your birthday present for me was an insulated coat with a ground wire attached. You’re so thoughtful.”
Just then, Benny rose with one last burst of energy and charged them. Unflinching, Nate punched him in that beefy face of his, and Benny fell unconscious into a nearby pile of grapefruit.
“Have some grapefruit,” Nate remarked wittily.
“Oh, Nate, you’re so rugged,” Lulu exclaimed. “And witty!”
“I despised Señor Benny,” noted Enriqué. “He always called me a wetback. And yet, he always thought I was from Tuscany. Very strange.”
“I’ve never liked the term wetbacks,” Nate explained, “I think it’s offensive. It makes me uncomfortable just saying it. Wetbacks. Wetbacks. See? It’s uncomfortable. I’ve always called your people ‘water-capable’.“
“And I’ve always appreciated that, Señor Nate. Why, it was just last week that you donated blood for my son put my son through college built a college my son could attend, then made him the dean.”
“You’re welcome, Enriqué. But I sense there is something more I can do for you.”
“As usual, Señor Nate, you are correct. It’s like you have that extrasensory contraption.”
“Ha, ha,” Nate laughed jovially. “Ha. No, Enriqué, it’s called extrasensory perception.” And not every werewolf sportscaster secret agent has it, Nate thought silently to himself.
“So sorry, Señor Nate. Me English, she’s not so good, eh?” [note to self: may need to tone this down some] “Anyway, my daughter is 14 now and …”
“… and it’s time to start planning her quinceañera, which is sometimes called fiesta de quince años, fiesta de quinceañera, quince años or simply quince,” Nate finished. “Worry not, Enriqué, I’ll take care of everything.”
“Oh, Nate, you’re so generous,” said Lulu admiringly. “And knowledgeable!”
Enriqué knew when he was being a third wheel. “Hasta mañaña, Señor Nate.” [note to self: is sentence too tilde-heavy? thinking of ink costs.]
With the two of them now alone, Lulu looked longingly into Nate Ravishing’s eyes and gave him a long kiss. “Oh, Nate, you’re so –“
“I know, baby,” Nate said, “I know.”