Nate doesn’t want you to know it, but he gave an unusually candid interview to Rolling Stone for their August 2007 issue. While he has methodically worked to burn every copy in existence, your Nate Is The Weasel Investigative Team (NITWIT) has unearthed a copy for your enjoyment.
When we at Rolling Stone heard that ESPN would start making podcasts for fantasy sports fans, we didn’t care. But it was a slow month and we needed to justify the ad space, so we took a chance that we would get an engaging conversation with an intriguing yet overlooked personality. Instead, we got Nate Ravitz.
Rolling Stone: What is your title at ESPN?
Nate Ravitz: Chief Paper-Pusher (laughs).
RS: Aren’t you starting a podcast?
NR: Yes. ESPN is the worldwide leader in sports, you know, and they are committed to the growing trends of both fantasy sports coverage and broadcasting on the interwebs. So I’m proud to say I’ve been tabbed to host podcasts for both fantasy football and baseball. (sings SportsCenter theme song)
RS: What a remarkable falsetto. You sound like a company man.
NR: I am. I am a company man. I may use that in the show.
RS: What’s the podcast going to be called?
NR: “Nate Ravitz’s Fantasy Focus Extravaganza, Starring Nate Ravitz”.
RS: Sounds long.
NR: It’s being workshopped.
RS: I presume in this show you’ll cover the sporting headlines, or whatever is the latest buzz?
NR: Yes, we will. That sounds good, by the way. Buzz. (opens a notebook, writes down “buzz”) We’ll also answer various forms of listener correspondence.
RS: So, like a mailbag.
NR: Wow, that’s great! Keep ‘em coming! (scratches out “answer various forms of listener correspondence”, writes “mailbag”)
RS: You keep saying “we”. Will you have a co-host?
NR: Man, I hope not. I’m pretty sure they would just get in the way. We have this one know-it-all there by the name of Matthew Ferry – I may have that wrong – who seems to pull predictions out of his butt.
RS: Where will you pull them from?
NR: (laughs) No, I’ll stay on the analyst side and let those others do the rankings.
RS: Won’t that make you less accountable?
NR: Now you’re getting it.
RS: Moving on, let’s turn your baseball acumen to the Tigers game on the TV behind you. Any predictions?
NR: Looks like Detroit will hang on to win.
RS: You’re a Michigan Wolverine.
NR: You bet! Go maize & blue!
RS: How was the social scene in Ann Arbor?
NR: You know, people say it doesn’t take game to slip a girl a roofie, but they’re wrong – it takes a lot of game.
RS: Where do you see yourself in the year – oh, I don’t know – 2013? Around August.
NR: Well, it’s hard to say whether I’d just be hosting SportsCenter or whether I’d have moved on from that gig and onto my own show.
RS: What show would you like to have?
NR: I never understood why ESPN doesn’t compete in the morning show market. With a three-hour block, I could handle the topics of the day, highlight a human interest story, then bake a Bundt cake with Donovan McNabb.
RS: Sounds like you’d definitely need a co-host for that.
NR: I disagree. Though I might have that Ferry guy do the weather. Let him be wrong at something else! (laughs)
RS: You don’t seem like much of a team player.
NR: I am, it’s just that I’m a team player surrounded by morons. I mean, Lee Corso? Come on!
RS: Uh-oh. Detroit just lost on a walk-off homer. Your prediction didn’t work out so well.
NR: I believe what I said was it “looks like” they would win. But anyone who follows the Tigers would know that whatever it “looks like” is seldom what happens.
RS: Wow, that’s some high-class weaseling there. Have you ever been accused of being a weasel?
NR: Can’t say I have. (pauses) Misunderstood creature, though.
RS: Is that why your living room contains a Fathead of a giant weasel?
NR: Ferret. And it’s my wife’s. And it was a gift. And it was left here by the previous owner.
RS: Which is it? Your wife’s or the previous owner’s?
NR: My wife, who was the previous owner. And she said she was going to take it down. (cell phone rings) Here she is now. (answers) “Honey, I told you to take down that ferret Fathead! No, the one in the living room. Okay.” (hangs up)
RS: So why is your ringtone “Pop Goes the Weasel”?
NR: I’ll have you know that was the ringtone of the previous owner.
RS: How’s this whole denial thing working out for you?
NR: Very well, thank you! And it looks like this interview’s over.
RS: Is that a regular “looks like”, or a Detroit Tiger “looks like”?
NR: Get out of my house.