Taxation Without Weaselization
We’re not here to tell you how to vote. Though we’re pretty sure it will involve the following:
- One of our truest Agents of Democracy (a little old lady) taking your name and pointing you toward a booth,
- Once in the booth, you wishing you had brought the Purell,
- You getting a brief thrill after picking the one name you care about,
- Followed immediately by 18 pages of miserable cretins you’ve never heard of, couldn’t care less about, and who probably just sit on their asses for a living, and
- The machine not letting you submit your ballot because you failed to vote for the Place 33 Railroad Comptroller, where Joe Slabotnik is running unopposed.
Oh, and the one person you care about will lose. But there is one place where you CAN make a difference: Proposition Weasel.
This campaign season, most states have at least one initiative (put there by a weasel or an agent of weasels) intended to destroy our cherished, non-weasel way of life. Here are just a few examples:
- Proposition 13 in Oregon will make it unlawful to hold someone accountable for a prediction, even if that person (or mammal) is in the business of making predictions.
- Florida’s Proposition 29 is designed to “preserve our precious landfills” as “valuable grazing grounds”.
- Virginia’s Proposition 85 (disguised as a conservation initiative) will require tracking devices to be implanted in all owls. Also, owls designated as “feral” will have the chip’s remote detonation capability set to “on”. All owls not designated as “feral” will be dissected to learn why. So, bad day for the owls.
- Proposition 6 in Wisconsin will make squeaking an official language.
- Nevada’s Proposition 3 would make it a hate crime to play Weird Al Yankovic’s “Weasel Stomping Day” at over 70 decibels.
- Proposition 11 in Texas will institute a 7-day waiting period for gun purchases if you in any way insinuate that you have it out for weasels. Here is a sample conversation that you would be required to have:
You: Let me have that there Remington 870.
Gun Dealer: You plan on huntin’ weasels with that weapon?
Gun Dealer: I’m gonna have to have you say “nope”.
Gun Dealer: That’ll be $450.
You: Throw in some hand grenades while you’re at it.
So remember this November 6th (or possibly 7th) to rise up and vote a resounding NO to weaselocracy! Someday your kids will thank you for it. Probably not in person, and definitely not with that new LeSabre you’ve been hinting at, but maybe you can swing an upgraded nursing home out of it. Worth a shot.