Not since McCain selected Palin has there been such a catastrophic error as Nate Ravitz proclaiming Major League to be the greatest baseball movie ever. Just like Sarah, Major League looked good and provided plenty of laughs, but there was little substance underneath. There was also a sequel (Palin Bus Tour 2012) that was a colossal failure.
Like all right-minded individuals, we here at Nate Is a Weasel Headquarters know that the best baseball movie of all time is Field of Dreams. We know this because if all baseball movies were placed inside a burning building, and we were only allowed to save one, we would rush home to put our pirated copies on eBay and make a killing. But we also know because James Earl Jones tells us so.
So where does Nate get his crazy rating system? The answer is the American Ferret Institute (AFI), an independent, non-profit organization created in 1974 by the National Endowment for the Critters. Since being signed into law by President Richard “I am not a Weasel” Nixon, the AFI has been dedicated to “preserving the legacy of weasels in American film”. We think their movie list (reprinted below) reveals a lot about the weasel sensibility.
The American Ferret Institute’s 100 Years…100 Weasels
See our separate posting “AFI Celebrates Lawyers in Film”
#61 Nate Ravitz
Nate has yet to appear in a film, but we are reserving this spot for him based purely on potential.
See our separate posting “AFI Celebrates Used Car Dealers in Film”
#38 Peter Pettigrew, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Something or Other
Peter really turned more into a rat, but he still exemplified all the qualities of dishonesty that are the hallmarks of weaseldom.
See our separate posting “AFI Celebrates U.S. Congressmen in Film”
#12 Pooky, New Jack City
Weasel Words: “It be callin’ me, man… I just got to go to it!”
#11 Nate Ravitz
Like we said, we’re really high on this kid.
#10 Toon Patrol, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
What’s more loveable than an animated weasel? An army of them!
#9 Phyllis Dietrichson, Double Indemnity
All weasels owe a debt of gratitude to femme fatales. The blueprint for success is simple: (a) get someone else to do the dirty work, (b) let them take the fall, and (c) do it all in style. Thank you, Barbara Stanwyck. Man, we’re gonna go watch this again.
#8 Cypher, The Matrix
Weasel Words: “After nine years, you know what I realize? Ignorance is bliss.”
#7 Hedley Lamarr, Blazing Saddles
Weasel Words: “Unfortunately there is one thing standing between me and that property: the rightful owners.”
#6 Obi-Wan Kenobi, Return of the Jedi
Ben was far too much of a “do-gooder” to make our top 5, but weasels everywhere are forever indebted to him for those magnificent weasel words that could be engraved on all our tombstones: “What I told you was true… from a certain point of view.”
Honorable Mention — Lando Calrissian
Lando had such a promising beginning, but then just wallowed in a cesspool of redemption. Sickening, really.
#5 Carter Burke, Aliens
So likeable! So weaselly! Those who misjudged him made the mistake of looking at Burke from a human point of view. To the aliens, he was a savior! A savior that wanted to incarcerate them and make extra-strength Napalm out of their blood, but still, savior nonetheless.
Weasel Words: “I work for the company. But don’t let that fool you, I’m really an okay guy.”
#4 The blind ferret from Along Came Polly (Ernest?)
Sure, it reeks of tokenism to put a blind ferret in a non-speaking role. And sure, no one remembers the character’s name (Javier?). But this plucky guy (Plucky?) did wonders for weaselkind by starring alongside Ben Stiller and Jennifer Aniston in what we can only assume was some kind of love triangle.
#3 Mark Zuckerberg, The Social Network
His was the ultimate weasel success story. Mark’s brilliant defense of weaseldom (something having to do with chair royalties) served as vindication for all weaselkind. Before Zuckerberg, weasels had to use quotation marks whenever using the word “friends”. Now, everyone does!
Weasel Words: “They came to me with an idea, I had a better one.”
#2 Fredo Corleone, The Godfather Part II
The Part II is important, because in the first Godfather Fredo was simply depicted as slow and dull-witted. In the second film, he was slow, dull-witted, and screwing over his family. Who wouldn’t want to kiss him?
Weasel Words [deleted from final edit]: “I knew it was me, too.”
#1 Gollum, The Lord of the Rings
Simply put, Gollum had it all: rugged good looks, a healthy, oily sheen, a lisp that could go on for days, quadrupedal mobility, and exceptionally fierce determination. Not only that, he was the unquestioned hero of The Lord of the Rings trilogy, in the sense that no weasel alive questions that he was the hero. He even won the ring in the end, if by “end” you mean “lava”. But the real reason he earns the top spot in our list is because his split personality so perfectly reflects the conflict inside each and every weasel: the battle between doing what’s right for us, versus getting everyone else to do what’s right for us. One that may never be resolved.