Nate Is A Weasel: Weasel Week 1


Recently, The Uncovering Things ChannelTM has announced programming plans for:

weasel-week

The centerpiece of which will be a reality show starring Nate Ravitz.  Below is a sneak preview of their upcoming lineup.

Monday

Great Nate Invasion
As every schoolkid learns, a group of weasels is called a “nate”.  No, really.  And suddenly nates and nates of weasels are being found in Peoria, Illinois.  Locals have noticed them rummaging through landfills, loitering outside the Denny’s, and working the night shift at some of the less-reputable convenience stores.  An international team of weasel scientists attempts to figure out where they came from and why they’re charging $5 for a Twinkie.

Weasel Like Me
(Pilot) Nate Ravitz explains how he is not really a weasel, just an incredible simulation.  He also explains how weasels are gentle, misunderstood creatures who, should you keep misunderstanding them, just may elbow you in the head.
Guest star: Metta World Peace

Tuesday

Dirty Jobs: Not On Your Life Edition
In honor of weasels, and as a kind of vacation, Mike must weasel his way OUT of a job.  This week: checking Pod Vader’s prostate.

10 Deadliest Vermin
It is commonly known that the deadliest rodent, at 54.3 human kills per year, is a hamster with a spear gun.  But did you also know that a tree shrew can decapitate a man within 12 minutes?  Or that a weasel could bore you to death if left without a co-host?  Well now you do.

weasel like me (safe)Wednesday

Ghost Hunters: Weasel Brigade
A woman is convinced that her 1800’s era Scottish bed & breakfast is haunted by the ghost of the first weasel to go “Pop!”.  Our team of dedicated weasel paranormalists investigates and, using a vast array of night-vision equipment and horse manure, convince the woman she should definitely continue spreading the rumors.

Weasel Like Me
(Episode 2) While on safari in Brazil, Nate demonstrates the mating habits of the long-tailed weasel in unexpectedly graphic detail.
Guest star: Heidi Fleiss

Thursday

Man vs. Weasel
Just like every other episode of Man vs. Weasel, Bear Grylls absolutely wails on some small, unsuspecting mammals. Not for the squeamish.

Rogue Rodent
Could a guinea pig develop a taste for human flesh, or worse yet, Cheetos?  What if your crotch was covered in Cheeto dust?  Would they know when to stop?  And why the heck is your crotch covered in Cheeto dust, anyway?  Our hosts do their best to foment hysteria while simultaneously painting you out to be some kind of sicko.

Friday

When Domesticated Ferrets Attack IX
A beloved pet from southern Ohio makes off with the family silver.  Two South Carolina ferrets (“Bruno” and “Kirby”) belittle their owner after he admits to voting for Ron Paul.

Weasel Like Me
(Episode 3) After arranging for an Irish mink to host the show, Nate changes his mind and has the animal shipped to New Zealand.
Guest star: Jay Leno

Saturday

Top Five Nibbled Alive
A hiker is caught in the mouth of a Siberian weasel, and must cut off his own earlobe to escape. A picnic is invaded by a nate of Steppe polecats, who overturn the potato salad. A woman is caught in a tug-of-war between an Indonesian mountain weasel and a slightly larger Indonesian mountain weasel.   These and more are the world’s five most amazing weasel survivor stories.

Movie Night: The Hills Have Weasels (1984)
The sleepy town of Euclid, Kansas is overrun by vermin, and the only people who can save it are a 17-year-old amateur mammalogist, a whiny cheerleader, a minority (who dies), a crazy hermit who retired from varmint huntin’ ages ago, and a cocker spaniel that can do backflips.  The 4 hours should just fly by.

Sunday

Weasel Conservation
Why it isn’t needed.

Weasel Like Me
(Episode 4) Nate embeds himself among a tribe of Ukrainian stoats.  When one of the tribe tells him he’s “pretty cool for an ermine,” Ravitz gets irate and says “Who you calling ermine!?”, at which point they challenge each other to a death match. Nate ultimately prevails by assembling a mixture of sulfur, charcoal, and potassium nitrate, grinding it up into a fine powder, crafting a makeshift mortarpod, then urinating on everything and fleeing for the hills.
Guest stars: Bill Shatner & Joey the Gorn

  • Bryan

    Hysterical I needed a good laugh. Good job.