The 06010 Board Offers Nate Ravitz $5M to Release His College, Ancestry.com Records
Nate Ravitz is unquestionably the least transparent Fantasy Focus podcast host in the history of Fantasy Focus podcast hosts. Why is that? Why can’t he be more like Matthew Berry, who is so transparent that Wonder Woman once got 30 minutes into her pre-flight checklist before realizing he wasn’t a plane? “Thank God I didn’t touch the collective,” she was overheard to say later.
Many, many people have many, many, serious questions about Nate. We don’t know anything about him! For instance, how does he maintain such thick, lustrous fur? I mean, hair? What is his answer to the query “aweaselsayswhat”? Where does he park his Weaselmobile? And what does the insurance run on something like that, anyway?
To find out, we have a deal that Ravitz can’t refuse. All Nate has to do to get $5 million to the charities of his choice is release the following:
- his passport applications
- his college applications
- his college rejections
- his kindergarten rejections
- a note from the school nurse
- that thing he did for Creative Writing once but was too embarrassed to show anyone
- a Certificate of Live Birth
- a Certificate of Live, Human Birth
- his iTunes password
- a notarized inventory of everything in his pantry, AND
- a genealogical tree depicting no less than three (3) generations of weasel-free ancestry
This is a check we very much want to write. We’re even practicing our cursive, which we would probably never use if it wasn’t for checks.
When he does this to our satisfaction, and if it’s complete, and as soon as our Sprint bill is paid off, we will send the check immediately. The monies will go to a charity of Nate’s choice — perhaps The Worldwide Weasel Fund, or a hospital wing just for weasels, or even a Ravitz Foundation for the Arts & Humanities, only substituting whatever the weasel equivalent of Humanities is, maybe “Weasities”, we don’t know — within an hour of the release of the records that America is waiting for.
Nate will be doing a great service to our country if he does this, as it will end the question and the anger of many Americans. For instance, we happen to know a guy, Bob, who is very angry that Nate’s grades from his 5th period Social Studies class aren’t publicly available. He bugs us about this almost every day. Honestly, we’re thinking of changing our number.
Perhaps you feel that we are engaged in some kind of “witch hunt”, to which we say this: at least witches are people. Can we afford to have weasels in charge of our podcasts?